2nd Floor: A Poem About Studying in the Library

It was morning and outside snow dusted my bike. My task for the day: defeat the gremlins in the woods behind my house. It wouldn't be an easy task as these were no ordinary gremlins. Luckily, i'm no ordinary girl.

I requisitioned my heavy coat and stepped out without saying goodbye to mother. There was no time for goodbyes. This was war. I pulled my slingshot from my pocket and lined up the crosshairs in the direction of the neighbor's cat, Charles. Target practice. That's what it was. And I'd need plenty of it to overcome those sniveling gremlins. You see, they've been running around the woods near my house in broad daylight, laughing boastfully as I mastered my backflip dismount from the swingset.

I probably would have let them be had they not started to make snide remarks about Sam, the curly-haired, slighty clumsy, and always charming boy from my class. Did those gremlins think they could get away with it? Of course they did. But my slingshot was going to prove them wrong.

So I set out across the lawn, over the bridge, across the frozen lake where I encountered my first gremlin. Brandishing my slingshot I said, "You gremlin, do you know the function of this here weapon." To be continued.

It's been a while.

I have been playing around a lot lately with my seriously superior iPhoto skills...

What if any of these were my room? I need a change.

How to be Annoying: An Original Playwright

Characters:Joanna- early 20's, student/unemployed, enjoys morse code and skeleton buildings. Little Wayne: not really, but close look-alike, late 20's-ish, enjoys diamonds on his grillz and oversized basketball jerseys.
Setting:
Joanna sat on a metal bench widdeling away at her beloved sudoku puzzles while waiting for the light-rail to make its way to her stop. With her earbuds in tightly, she listened to the Lara Croft "Tombraider" soundtrack (Don't judge her.), and wondered whether she'd be cast as a super-hero or villain if someone were to make a x-men character out of her. In sum, she was content. Then immediately, DISTRACTION.
Act I.
Joanna (thinking to herself): What's that? Little Wayne? slothing his way over to my bench? No... wait, really? you're going to sit down next to me? {she looks around at the crowds of empty benches, again noting that they are empty.}
Oh duh, you're just gettin' a drink from the drinking fountain. no bid deal- wait. no. you passed the fountain. code-red. please, no. I just want to play my sudo-
Little Wayne (in soft breathy voice): I was wondering, you know when that trainbus is gettin' here?
Joanna: huh?
Little Wayne: When the next trainbus is commin'.
Joanna (removes earbuds): 5 minutes I think.

Little Wayne stares at Joanna as she puts her earbuds back in, attempts to ignore him and play sudoku for the next 45 seconds. He interrupts, Joanna counteracts, and they engage in the most riveting conversation ever known to mankind:
"What's that? Sudoku. No, I mean that big-ass scar on your arm. Oh, this one? YE-aah, that one. Right, it's a 'big-ass' scar. Why? I broke it. Why? gymnastics. Oh I see, I see, you wanna da be a cheerleader. No, I actually didn't make the team. OH DE-AAAAMN, you feel tougher now? No, why would that [not making the cheer team 10 years ago] make me feel tougher now? 'Cuz you got'a bad-ass scar."
Act II.
Little Wayne follows Joanna onto the the light-rail and insists on sitting next to her. She tries to end the conversation but Little Wayne resists. At this point, there are several people watching in amusement, or horror, depending on their individual take on public exposure.

"I'm gonna finish my sudoku now. Am I being all annoying and shi*? Yes. How you play that suu- dO-ku-o? You play it like any other puzzle. Ya, but dat's all numbers and shi*. Ok I'm turning my i-pod back on now. Yo, I gotta bad ass scar too. please don't show me, Cool. Ya but I do feel tougher cuz you know I jumped outta' a car on the freeway and shi*. That's unfortunate. I'll show you. No, don't. It's just right under my shirt stop trippin'. No seriously, don't show me. A'ight, right here, see? Ok that's not even a scar; that's a scab. Ye-aah, the dr.'s said it won't never be like my other skin again. Stop picking at it and put your shirt back down. I'm just always gon' have dis scar forever. Seriously it's just a scab. Like, it aint never gonna go away. That sucks, put your shirt back down. Oh, yo I got to take this {Cue Notorious B.I.G. ringtone}, it's my music agent."

Ummm

Sometimes when I'm bored, I read yahoo answers. I have a signin name, naturally, and occasionally answer a multitude of questions that i'm highly qualified to answer. 

Your Passwords Are LAME

As my 4 readers are aware, I'm really damn good at guessing passwords (and memorizing numbers frontwards and backwards but I don't want to brag). It was like the gods on Olympus had already given away all their supernal gifts to the humans- mostly to Paris Hilton, cheerleaders, and twins, so they decided to give me one of the only gifts they had left: the Gift of Creepiness. 

As you can imagine, this gift comes with much responsibility. As a certified gifted creep, I feel it is my moral duty to inform you all that your passwords are really stupid. Within the last week, per the request of my friends, I have successfully guessed 3 separate passwords all within 10 minutes or less. I further explained how there is software that exists capable of recording your keystrokes and consequently, your passwords. 

As a courtesy to you I'd like to share some of the most common (read stupid) passwords. 

1. password

2. 1234

3. your name plus shift 1

4. your pets name

5. your highschool football number 

6. your birthdate

There are a lot more but i'm too lazy. Basically stop being predictable. Don't include personal names or dates and stop using the same passwords for EVERYTHING. 

Disclaimer: If you are a close friend with a predictable password, I have probably read the majority of your facebook messages and I'm embarrassed for you. 

10 Ways to Know You're Boring

1. You're an accountant. 

2. You're going to school to become an accountant. 

3. You want to be or already are a tax accountant. They are probably the worst kind of accountant.

4. It bothers you when people unintentionally steal one of your 500 office pens. 

5. You listen to the radio. 

6. You're always on time. 

7. You look down on people who are disorganized. 

8. Your favorite movie is a Bond movie. 

9. You have blonde hair. It's a fact that dark haired people are just feistier, better, and the most smartest. 

10. You enjoy going to the dentist. 

WTF WEDNESDAY

Naples is so hot right now. 

in all seriousness, educate yourself: 

wtf naples

HIIIIIII

To my devoted 0 fans, this beautiful hand is back to the keyboard.
Now if only going back to my old room were as easy as going back to blogging.

Wish(es): That Paint Would Cost Less

I will be brief: There is much speculation about the question of divinity within Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
I know most of you don't care, I'm just trying to show you how brief works.

Lightrail.

Today on the lightrail:
Woman with a lot of Groceries: Hi, can I sit here?
Joanna: Yes.
Grocery Bag Woman: Thanks. I just got done shopping.
Joanna: Yes I can tell. Your bags smell like frozen pizza.
Grocery Bag Woman: Ha, Would you mind holding one?
Joanna: a pizza?
Grocery Bag Woman: No a bag.
Grocery bag woman proceeds to drop grocery bag of frozen pizza in Joanna's lap on top of her Latin homework. Joanna begins to shiver from the ice in her lap. Joanna smells like frozen pizza for the rest of the day and her pants remain wet for a few hours. She loves the lightrail mucho.
Note: The photo above has nothing to do with the lightrail.

Glass Families and Banana Fish.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite writers of all time died today: J. D. Salinger. I don't know why, but there was something incredibly exciting about reading about the Glass family and knowing that the author who created them was still alive, hoveled away in his rural Cornish shell. Most of the works I read today are written by authors who have been dead for centuries, which is fine by me because I rather enjoy reading Ovid and Virgil. Still, I feel Salinger was a rare breed, and that I need to light candles and mourn his loss while wiping my tears with some pages from his Catcher in the Rye, or something dramatic like that.

Herman Melville

"All men live enveloped in the whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever-present perils of life."
— Herman Melville

You can study too much.

My eyes are burning two holes into the computer screen from staring at my microsoft word document for hours without end. So, I resorted to ffffound, where I found this picture, and a few minutes of visual relief. I highly suggest this website if any of my two readers ever feel like their eyes are about to rupture from their skull, leaving chasms where all the things that they have just studied can begin to spew out of. That's right, I ended my sentence with a preposition. chaos.

Martin De Thurah. Ya, yes it's human.

Carpark North “Human”. video done by Martin De Thurah. I watched his short film "We Who Stayed Behind" and some of his other stuff this weekend and competely fell in love.

This is what a mistake looks like:

Ten points to anyone who can guess which wall I like, and which walls I loathe, despise, hate...

I know, it's kind of a tough call. Hopefully my displayed typography: "SOS, international distress signal" expressed my feelings clear enough.

Oh Movie

"The Greatest Dad in the World": Even though I believe that this position has already been filled by my own dad, this movie preview kills me. I might be doing my homework at the movie theatre tonight.

Me Too.

People tell me this all the time... picture via fffffound.

On Epics: The Story Of Shalyce & Boji

Shalyce and I met when we were in the first grade. She is two days older than me. We used to fight about whose dog was the stronger species during recess. I reasoned that naturally my dog was better because we saved sweet Sumi, as we named her, from Taiwan: My pet was international damnit! She had HUGE glasses, and I had to wear dresses to school as punishment for behaving badly at home.
"Why are you wearing a tie with your dress?"
"Umm, my mom made me."
(in reality, I liked the tie because I thought it gave my dress a real 'don't mess with me, I'm a CEO' type vibe.)


Then came band. She was best the drummer that Franklin ever had. After failing miserably with both the clarinet and the flute, I took up the French horn and never relinquished my position as 'first chair' once. editor's note: yes, I wore ties to school and played the french horn. Soon I was playing the "Star Spangled Banner" on my french horn with Shalyce on the snare drum every Wednesday for the school flag raising. I felt so cool. We wore red vests and black pants. We were so cool.


Shalyce and I went to different junior high schools, but later in highschool I found dear, sweet, blunt, amazingly musical Shalyce again. She was a huge germaphobe, and I blew my nose on my shirt if ever I couldn't find a tissue. Chanel and I would follow her after lunch to her fourth-hour class and throw ice at her. We played Hillary Duff and Fefe Dobson covers in her garage. (I actually just watched- the french horn doesn't have much place in a rock band.) She made a fake backstage pass once and snuck into Hillary Duff's dressing room, basically. She can quote you any "Even Stevens" episode that you want.

A few years ago I walked into an internet cafe in Barcelona. I opened an email and read about Shalyce and Nick's wedding. I was sad because I wasn't there, but happy because I love Nick and Shalyce together. Nick has a dog named Moose, and Moose loves Shalyce.

It's Shalyce's birthday today and I imagine that she is going to want to play a never ending game of Settlers of Cataan. That is why I love her. Happy Birthday boo.

Buon Ferragosto!

For all of my Italian friends and advocates, buon Ferragosto! I know Emily hates this picture, but I needed one of us in Italy in honor of this holiday.